Seems about once a week, a new term comes out in our crazy culture, and several times a year, they stick. Gaslighting is one of those terms. Have you heard it recently? Not sure what it is? It might sound new, but it really isn’t.
Gaslighting, as defined by the website, Medical News Today, is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, their perception of reality, or even their memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust even themselves.
In modern-day history, it’s actually been around a while, finding its origins in a 1938 play (later made into a film in 1944), Gaslight. In this play/film, a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind by decreasing and then increasing the gaslights. Sometimes they are noticeably dim or sometimes noticeably brighter, all the while telling her she’s imagining the whole thing. This movie wasn’t serious, but gaslighting is.
Is Gaslighting New?
Gaslighting a nation is happening all the time, usually with politicians and the news media, but now among friends, family, and even acquaintances online. It used to be enough to open up friendly dialogue between two parties with opposing views and trusting listeners to decide for themselves what to believe. In other words, presenting the facts and treating adults—get this—like adults, who can make up their own minds while mulling over the facts.
It used to be the job of journalists to present facts. Today, many journalists are allergic to facts and prefer to traffic to feelings and emotions, often using these emotions to make their audiences, who aren’t currently thinking the way they want them to think, feel like they’re losing it. The first goal is just to see if they can get people to doubt their position on an issue, then several issues, then their affiliations, maybe their sexual orientation, gender, perhaps their religion, and eventually God Himself. (“Does God really exist? I used to think He did.”)
Again, is this new? Was the 1938 play the very start of it? No, like most things, it isn’t new. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun, and gaslighting is no exception.
If you think about it, in the account of the first man and woman in the Bible in the book of Genesis, they talked about Satan, who, through the serpent, was gaslighting Adam and Eve when he tried to get them to doubt the motives of Almighty God. In fact, as we read the Genesis account, we can clearly see how Satan actually tried to get them to think they were flipping out by suggesting things like, “You can’t eat anything, not of this fruit, really?” Or how about this, “Did God really say?” Or “No, none of that will happen. God’s lying to you.” Do you see what I mean? Gaslighting.
How Can You Handle Gaslighting?
Think you’re being gaslit? Not sure what to do? I found some really helpful tips on Christianity.com if we believe we are being gaslighted by someone. How should we respond to gaslighting? Here are the first three (of six) tips they listed.
- Get help and ask God for the truth. That seems obvious, but a lot of people don’t do it. If you’ve been gaslit, you’ve likely been angry and sad and confused for a long time. I’m so sorry; as someone who gets it, I encourage you to do these two things right away. Get help and ask God for the truth. They say to find a good therapist; I would say talk to your pastor or find a good Christian counselor. If you can’t afford one, a safe, wise friend who can help you see clearly is good. Ask God to help you discern what is true and what isn’t true in the tangled-up threads of the gaslighting relationship.
- Be gentle with yourself. You’ve likely spent years beating yourself up, blaming yourself for “being so stupid,” and feeling so confused over your mess of emotions. You can’t heal if you’re condemning or judging yourself all the time. God is kind, gracious, merciful, humble, gentle, and truthful. He sits on a throne of grace. The accuser—the enemy—is the one who will speak lies and condemnation and sarcasm and twisted words over you. Don’t align with the darkness and the lies; ask God to help you believe the truth and walk in the light. You are not dumb or naive or making a big deal over nothing. You’ve been harmed, and it’s valid to be hurt. Give yourself grace as you work through untangling the emotional abuse that you’ve had to contend with. Remember that gaslighting is a real thing.
- If you are being gaslit or you have been, call it what it is—manipulation and abuse. I know that can be hard or seem overdone, but it doesn’t mean you’re condemning the person who has abused you. It means you’re telling the truth. And what is the truth? It is reality. We cannot heal from a thing if we are not willing to identify it.
- Grieve what you lost. Grief is the process of accepting reality and letting go of our expectations. If you have been emotionally abused through gaslighting, you have something to grieve. Maybe it’s the loss of a relationship, the loss of what you were hoping from the relationship, or and/or the loss of a sense of your sanity. Some of you have spent years not trusting your own judgment or gut or being fearful of your own perceptions. I’m not talking here about following our own hearts and being deceived by our own sinful desires, which does happen when we don’t surrender to and trust God, but rather the suppression of our God-given instinct and ability to think clearly because of emotional abuse. It takes time to trust our instincts again, but as God heals and frees, you will find that healing and freedom as He guides you.
- Practice confidence. As you talk things out with your pastor/counselor/friend, deal with lies you’ve believed, and stay humble and surrendered to the Lord, your ability to discern truth will sharpen. Continue to lean on the Lord for understanding, and He will help you to speak the truth and have the humble confidence to do it.
- Forgive the person who hurt you for not being what they should have been. Whether it’s a spouse, parent, sibling, or someone you should be able to trust, when you’ve been gaslit by them, and you realize it, you might be pretty ticked off. And that’s okay because that would be a normal response to someone hurting you. But when you’re ready, forgive them for what they should have been. Carrying that unforgiveness only hurts you.
Gaslighting is a harmful thing, and it’s sometimes so subtle, it can be hard to detect. You need the truth. Seek for it—in the facts of the situation and in God’s Word. And remember what the Bible tells us: the truth will set you free.
Until next Thursday, when I’ll share more on another relevant topic of today, I invite you to join us every Sunday—in-person or online—at The Summit at 9am & 11am MDT. You’ll experience the life-changing presence of God in a real and relevant way. Hope to see you there!
~Pastor Rob
Aka P-Ro